In every sense of the word

As the bloke in the pub keeps saying, we can all see now that Gordon has been a complete banker all the time.

At the simplest level, Gordon is just a banker: an ignorant and hyperactive ditherer with delusions of competence, as is now clear even to his colleagues in the Unbelievably Bloody Stupid Labour Party.

The Banker's golden rule, in banking as in politics, is Take Action! Never mind all that nonsense about thinking things through and due diligence. No. Take Action! is what substitutes for coherent policy, in everything.

Over many months, the morose, slack-jawed and sober-suited Gordon the Banker was criminally negligent about a growing economic and banking crisis because he was too busy saving his sorry arse and trying to dish an increasingly popular Opposition. But suddenly, boring Gordon Brown ripped off his business suit to reveal his cat-suit underneath. In a flash, he bought three banks. He forged your signature on an IOU and did not enquire into the banks’ actual condition – but he acted. Action Banker!

The first bank was in a place called Labour’s Heartland but the Gordon the Action Banker’s decision had nothing whatsoever to do with that, nor with the fact that the bank happens to employ a lot of his party’s voters. It did not matter to Action Banker that the bank had lent money to millions of people who won’t pay it back, nor that Northern Rock was (and is) suicidally indebted to a lot of foreigners who want their money back.

When he leaves office next (or perhaps this) year, Gordon the Action Banker will leave his banks with you as his parting gift. His successors will arrive on your doorstep asking you to make good the IOU which he signed with your name. Which you will find, ah, a little difficult, shall we say.

You will have to raid your children’s piggy bank and stop their pocket money and you will have to tell them that Gordon the Action Banker has spent all your money and all the money they will ever make because when they are grown up they may be lucky enough to get a job, if they can actually read after years of what Gordon the Banker calls ‘education’, but they will never be able to pay back all the money you both owe and they may never be able to get a mortgage or have a plasma TV or an Arsenal season ticket and that Gordon the Great Banker has actually murdered Father Christmas and you will make your children cry.

Which just goes to show that if you voted Labour, you are a stupid banker, too, because you knew all along that they are a bunch of bankers.

Labour governments always, always ALWAYS end in economic disaster.

• Ramsay McDonald - economic disaster
• Clement Attlee - economic disaster
• Harold Wilson - economic disaster
• Jim Callaghan - economic disaster
• Blair/Brown - economic disaster

See? See the pattern?

Gordon Brown is also an Utter Banker. He threw out the regulations which, over many centuries, had enabled British banking to earn a well-deserved golden reputation. The Utter Banker thought he knew better than the Governor of the Bank of England and all his advisers. Against their advice the Utter Banker invented his own personal, very flawed regulatory 'system'. It is the Utter Banker's Rules under which banking has been conducted in this country ever since. It follows that it is the Utter Banker’s fault that (a) no-one had a clue that some banks had gone quite mad because (b) the Utter Banker’s Rules encouraged them to do so.

At the highest level of all, Gordon is an Absolute Banker. The Absolute Banker fixed the parameters by which Bank Rate would be determined by his appointees and, just for fun, he told everybody he was giving the Bank independence. This was to disguise the fact that he, the Absolute Banker, was in fact a Central Banker all the time. The Absolute Banker told everyone to borrow and rack up unpayable debts - and for eleven years he has set a fine example by doing the same thing himself. He told us that tomorrow would never come because he had abolished Nature, and he believed it.

What an Absolute Banker.

We now have a frightening economic crisis as a result of terrible decisions made by Gordon Brown, Absolute Banker. It compounds the unprecedented banking crisis which is many times worse than it might have been because of the ignorance, actions and negligence of the vain and delusional Absolute Banker. We face commercial collapse, social upheaval, fear, sorrow, poverty and pain.

The Absolute Banker is on the prowl day and night, obsessively Taking Action! lest by actually stopping to think he give the impression that he is 'doing nothing'. He runs from room to room, moving desks about, shouting and throwing telephones out of windows. Everyone in his vicinity is on Sharp Object Alert.

It's really only a matter of time... Please God we shall soon have an end to this and a sane government in office.

The new Chairman of the Financial Services Authority - not a man to be trifled with and especially not in present circumstances – says:

• parts of the Gordon Brown made-up regulatory system are seriously deficient
• governments banks should be forced to build up capital during good times, so they could more easily weather an economic downturn
• take away the punchbowl before Gordon’s insane profligacy the party gets out of hand.

Funny how exactly these remarks seem to apply as much to Brown government as to Brown banking.

So which of Lord Turner’s remarks, I wonder, does Gordon Brown think do not concern an absolute banker like himself?