Dear people of the United States,

Thank you very much for the thoughtful gift which, on your behalf, your President gave us in the person of our Prime Minister.

We really appreciate the DVDs. We have not had the time to pop down to the shops lately, what with fighting beside you in two wars and what have you. Life is so short these days, isn't it? Not as short for most of us, thank heaven, as it was for the British boys and girls killed in their youthful prime, out there in the deserts and the mountains, fighting alongside your own kids. Yes, time is precious all right, so it was really thoughtful of you to save us that trip to Blockbusters. There's nothing like an afternoon in the sofa, watching such familiar old movies, don't you find? You know them especially well when you've seen them so many times before. Like pulling on old socks. Very... comforting.

We hope you like the priceless historic objects which the USA specialists in our diplomatic service carefully chose for us to give you in exchange, through the person of your President. We are particularly pleased to be able to give you the hand-made pen-holder carved from the wood of an 18th century anti-slavery ship which was arresting slave ships in the Atlantic even before you declared Independence from our country and long before slavery was abolished in the United States! We thought that was a neat touch for President Obama, personally. Then there is the Royal Charter of Commission of her sister ship, from which your President's desk was carved. It's very warming to know that your President actually works at that priceless desk every day. Maybe he can put the Charter on the wall, nearby.

But only if there's space for it, of course. There seems to be a problem with space in the White House. Your new President has returned to us the bust of Winston Churchill we gave you earlier. The son of a great American lady, Churchill is repeatedly elected the greatest ever Englishman by popular acclaim. To us, the bust symbolised the close relationship between our two countries.

We are a bit mystified, to tell you the truth, as to why your President decided to return the bust to us. (There was no note with it.) We can only assume that the White House is just too cluttered. Also, if your museums are like ours - full of stuff! - we would quite understand that you can't find room for every important artwork given to you by the high representatives of friendly nations. Even the broom cupboards in the Smithsonian must be bursting, so something's gotta give, as you fellows say over there! Seriously, we would understand that. Absolutely.

We want to reassure you about that business of admitting our Prime Minister through the White House trade entrance instead of the ceremonial front door. You really must not concern yourselves about that. Nor about the shambolic, curtailed press call in the Oval Office replacing the press conference which was customary under the sort of passé diplomatic protocol in place before the Age of Change. Nor about your President not having time to have lunch with the Prime Minister. All that ridiculous old-time courtesy is quite unnecessary nowadays.

Unfortunately, though, your Head of State may feel the full weight of protocol when - or should we say, if - he is welcomed to London next month. We will do our best to talk our Head of State, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, out of it, but she is an elderly lady, not a thrusting young "Personification of Change!" so perhaps you ought to assume that she will insist on giving your President all that silly old red carpet treatment, guards of honour, military salutes and so on. Tsk! I think one would be wasting one's breath if one tried to explain to Her Majesty that the people of the United States no longer 'do' diplomatic niceties. By the way, the Palace staff are doing their best with HM's High Five training but frankly it's a bit of a struggle.

The hearts of the British people go out to your new President. We can see clearly that he and his team are having a simply terrible time getting to grips with such an enormous job. One wonders how on earth such an ill-starred man as your former President (God bless him!) managed it all.

One can only sympathise with how bemused your new President must feel, having been rocketed from simple, home-town ghetto organisation and the hurly-burly of little old Illinois to the Presidency of the United States! After only the the briefest time on Capitol Hill, the poor man has hardly had time to get to know DC, let alone to understand the proper conduct of international relations. Obviously he'll learn a lot 'on the job'. At least, let's all hope so! 'Most powerful man in the world', don't you know!

Thank you, once again, for the marvellous box-set of old Hollywood movies. Such a gift really shows us here in the United Kingdom what the true heart of America is all about.

Until we meet again, in a foxhole or a MASH operating room in the hills of Afghanistan, with very best wishes from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,

Your friends and faithful allies,

The British People.

PS: Please tell your President that there is no need for him to bring more gifts when he comes to London. He has already done more than enough in that regard.