GUARDIAN EXCLUSIVE: Bear shit found in woods - Cameron terrified.

The Guardian's behaviour is exactly on schedule, just as predicted. Sweet, really.

Labour is living on the eve of destruction and Cameron is going to be Prime Minister in a matter of months - possibly weeks.

All stops must be pulled out, every stone turned over, in the desperate search for something - anything - to avert the vast Tory majority which is solidifying before their burning eyes despite all the dirt-digging, the hurling of foul imprecations and even the flaming sacrifice to the electoral gods of several Labour MPs.

Aiee! Aiee! O dear Lord of all the Pollys! Sweet Mother Gaia! O all ye dark spirits of the political wasteland! Will you not come to our aid before it is too late, before all is lost? Do you not see? Gordon has lead us all to perdition! The end is nigh! The ghosts of Peel, Churchill and Thatcher are arisen! The dread Tories are riding back with their hero, the glorious Young David, at their head! O, Numi! Have you abandoned us? Is there to be no mercy? Will you not inspire us before it is too late?

Waah! Got it! O thank you, thank you, thank you!

Europe! A Europhile split!

Hold the front page, girls! Dig out those old headlines!

Sigh. And who do they turn up? Well, let's see now. No laughing at the back.

• Three retired European Commissioners from the Thatcher/Major era and before, men for whom the Grauniad had nothing but bitter contempt when they were in office, all of whom are in receipt of substantial EU pensions but only if they continue to advocate the EU and all its works without exception or demur.

• Two former FO mandarins whose entire careers were devoted to forging ever-closer Union regardless of changes of Britain's elected government, from anti-EU Labour through pro-EU Labour through pro-EU Tory to anti-EU Tory. Sir Humphrey and friends were always pro-EU and sod the electorate. True Europeans.

• John Major's Europe Minister, long out of politics. Bet you can't remember his name.

Impressive, what? Cameron must be shaking. With laughter. Well, I am.

I am already working on the music list for the Castle Prodicus General Election Night Party. The Tannheuser overture and Roll Out The Barrel spring to mind. Happy Days Are Here Again? The Ride of the Valkyrie? This will be fun.

Next job, the music list for the Guardian's GE Night party. Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue? Polly Put The Kettle On doesn't seem right somehow. All Over Now might work... Road To Hell... Needs work.