Hang on a minute lads, I've got a great idea...

Gordon Brown is in as perilous a position as this, only more so:

Sadly, Gordon Brown does not make me laugh like Charlie Croker. I am reliably informed by the lady of the house that he's not as good looking, either. In fact, we agree that he is singularly unappetising.

He has obviously decided to keep me on the edge of my seat, though. In fact, he had me leaping out of it earlier this evening which was not a good thing as I was driving at the time.

I made the mistake of turning on the news to hear Brown's first announcement after being put on probation.

He intends to change the voting system. Change. The. Fucking. Voting. System.

See why I nearly crashed the car?

The effrontery, the vanity of the man is cosmic. Breathtaking.

So, let's get this straight. At the fag end of the most unpopular government for a century which he led (with his ex-mate Blair restricting himself, as agreed between them, to the international stuff and the showbiz stuff), after twelve years of ignorantly, petulantly and destructively arsing about uninterrupted and unchallenged with

• the constitution (half-fucked)

• the economy (utterly fucked)

• the health service (chronically fucked)

• the education system (ufdeck...er...)

• the central bank (castrated)

• the banking system (fucked and nationalised, for fuck's sake... is he in a time machine?)

• the justice system (fucked in the ear)

• the armed services (told to go fuck themselves)

• the liberty of the citizenry (fucked to death and then fucked again because he enjoyed it)

- after turning everything in our country which he has touched to dross and ash, from the position of the Head of State to the national football team's chances; above all, after a colossal, record-breaking thrashing by the electorate indicating beyond any doubt that he and his party are about to undergo electoral destruction, what does the cosmically unaware, deaf, dumb and blind, politically autistic, megalomaniac wannabe fucking dictator do?

He tries to alter the voting system.

Because it is the means by which the people will otherwise liberate themselves from his tyranny and that of his godawful sub-marxoid party of inadequates, sycophants, time-servers and unemployable troughers.

What can one say? What the fuckety fuck does one say to a recidivist arsehole of a politician like Gordon Brown, who has been lashed to the naughty step and told to behave nicely because he has no more chances left? Advised that he has used up 8.999 of his nine lives? Informed that the big shiny metal thing suspended above his head by a single hair and pointing directly at his cranium is a gigantic, lethally sharp sword?

Well, that's easy. Here's what you say: Come on, Brown, if you think you're hard enough. Step this way, my son. It'll be a pleasure. No, seriously. It really will.