Preparations

You may say I'm a bit previous but it is election year, finally, thank God, and I am starting to make my election night plans.

There's going to be a lot to celebrate on a long night (and morning, possibly) so I'm thinking lamb chops for a 10.30 supper with a few bottles of Barolo and some bite-yer-legs vintage Cheddar, a bottle of Grouse, cold chicken and salad to see us through the night and of course a jeroboam of Twiglets.

Breakfast will be Glos Old Spot bacon and eggs (properly fried) with toast, Marmite and Wilkins's orange+tangerine marmalade, all sluiced down with the Widow.

On the box, apart from the obvious (tsk,Tory landslide - do try to keep up), I am especially looking forward to:

1. Michael White in a live OB from Mount Olympus, explaining to us that (i) in a strange kind of way which you may find surprising because you lack my sophistication, this is going to prove a good thing for the Labour Party in the longer term (ii) it's all Brown's fault and I always said it would happen if they didn't get rid of the bastard (iii) Labour will be back, make no mistake (iv) The Cameroons are celebrating tonight but cold reality will hit them tomorrow (haha yes of course I mean today David) and the voters are not going to like the bastards one bit once their true colours start to show (v) yes, David, mine's a large one thanks.
2. Mayhem in all TV studios as Balls Falls and everyone demands comments from everyone else.
3. The noble expression on Clegg's face as, a couple of dozen of his MPs having been thrown out by the electorate, he admonishes the nation: 'This election is not a victory for anyone and certainly not for the British people'.
4. Fraser Nelson trying to stay sober. Or appear sober.
5. Jeremy Paxman having a ball, getting thoroughly pissed relaxed and not caring who sees it.
6. Polly Toynbee trying not to look as though she is at a funeral. Which it will be, kind of.
7. Yasmin Alibhai-Brown trying to look at though she matters to anyone. Anyone at all.
8. Kirsty Wark biting the heads off chickens 'in our Edinburgh studio'.
9. Anthony King looking like he's swallowed a wasp.
10. Iain Dale, looking unkempt for the first time in his entire life as he loosens his tie live on Sky News.
11. Assorted Dimbleboids, Snows, Cricks and Boultons adding to the gaiety of the nation as they compete and fail to get a concession-on-camera out of Brown. The Harman grimace will have to suffice. And will be almost as good. But not quite.

Oh, it's going to be a great night.

What are you looking forward to?