Scotch mist

Scotland's official policy to reduce the price of alcohol was in disarray last night after it was revealed that a so-called 'independent' report on Scottish drinking habits had in fact been sponsored by the trade body, Drinkup.

The report, its credibility now in ruins, was prepared for Drinkup by scientists at the University of Neasden. It presented data on the average cost of booze per annum for every man, woman, child, stag, grouse, weasel and stoat in Scotland.

The most shocking ‘findings’ of the Drinkup Report are:-

1. The average Caledonian spends almost £0.00 per annum on alcohol.
2. The average Glaswegian much prefers a 'nice cup o’ tea' or a ‘wee skoosh’ to a ‘hauf ‘n hauf’.
3. Scots do not like whisky.
4. 100 per cent of Scotland’s whisky production is drunk outside Scotland.
5. Scots are all teetotal. Any contrary imputation is part of the ancient racial slander concocted by the English which, over the centuries, has caused so many wars between Glaswegians and anyone who impedes their progress on a Saturday night as they dance the traditional ‘Buchanan Street’ waltz, merrily greeting anyone who takes their arm with the famous ‘Glesca kiss’.
6. The national drink for Hogmanay is the ‘the cream o’ the watter’, the first water drawn from the spring on New Year’s Day. After taking the ritual swally of sweet, peat-tinted Highland spring water, the entire population – men, women, children, stags, weasels and stoats – goes kilted to the kirk to renew the National Vow of Temperance.

Presenting the Neasden Report last year, a now-dismissed spokesman for Drinkup claimed that his members were extremely worried.

‘This is nothing short of a crisis. Unless we find a way to educate Scots into drinking alcohol, I fear for the survival of our hospitals and social services. Nobody ever gets ill up here and there are no social problems whatsoever.

'The Neasden Report is a serious attempt to raise concern about Scotland's abstemiousness before we face a brain drain from which Scotland may never recover. It will be worse than the Clearances. Oh, and when I say brain, I mean the doctors. Most o' them, anyway. Not the social workers, obviously.’

Last night, however, the chairman of Drinkup was forced to admit that the figures in the report are all pure guesswork.

'Now look, you must not impugn the reputation of the Neasden scientists. That would be outrageous. I mean, they work for the government – could they be more independent? But nobody's infallible, as Wee Wendy told the Pope. And we always expect a certain scepticism from the public, stirred up by, er, vested interests.

‘Frankly, though, as arse-wipes go this report is right up there with this government-sponsored report. Complete bollox. Haggis-feathers. But what would you expect from an ‘independent’ report sponsored by Drinkup? Would you expect it to say that booze costs every Scot, oh, what?... £900 a year? People are not daft, you know.'

Hat tip Alex Massie