We can reveal exclusively that a friend of David Cameron, tipped by some for junior ministerial office, habitually grabs aides by the lapels, calls staff 'c**ts' and physically shoulders office workers aside if they stand in his way. He once smashed a printer to bits because it was not working correctly. He regularly roars and throws phones at people. He manhandles secretaries out of their chairs if they do not type fast enough for his liking and takes over their keyboards himself.
David Cameron has refused to denounce the man’s behaviour, saying he is a warm and caring man who only gets angry with himself and then only under the most severe pressure caused by selfless worry about the country’s economy.
A spokesman for Prime Minister Gordon Brown called on David Cameron to fire this violent man adding that Gordon Brown is implacably opposed to this sort of intolerable gross misconduct in the workplace, before noting sadly that the Tories voted against Labour’s flagship Telling People To Fuck Off Right Now You Cunt Is Wrong Bill.
Harriet Harman is currently frowning on all TV channels and struggling valiantly not to laugh out loud at the political suicide of the Conservative party and its leader.
The political editor of the Daily Mirror, Kevin Maguire, has called for the immediate sacking of 'Cameron's disgusting crony', adding, ‘The whole country can now see what these Bullingdon Bullies are really like. They treat their co-workers the way their ancestors treated serfs. Oh, it’s all right for them but if a working class voter behaved this way he would be sacked. These violent, mediaeval-mindset Tory aristocrats are not fit to govern decent people. Five more years of Gordon Brown, please.’
Speaking on the Andrew Marr Programme, Lord Mandelson smirked, ‘The Conservative Party deserves everything that’s coming to it, Andrew, as I am sure you will agree. And I can tell you from my personal experience that they do not like it up them.’
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