No-Brainer

Your name? Miss Smith.

What is your No-Brainer subject? Not claiming constructive dismissal by the Cabinet Office on the grounds of intimidation.

Miss Smith, your No-Brainer questions start now.

1 - Were you subjected to intimidation by a very senior minister who roared and threw things and broke things and manhandled people out of their chairs, in your office within Number Ten Downing Street? Yes.

2 - Did you complain to your line manager about this? Yes.

3 - Did your line manager tell the senior minister that under current legislation his behaviour could be defined as bullying at work which is illegal and must stop? He told me he had spoken to him.

4 - Did the minister change his behaviour? No.

5 - Were other ministers of comparable or almost-comparable seniority to the minister aware of the situation? Everybody was.

6 - Did these other senior ministers intervene to try to put a stop to it? Not to my knowledge.

7 - Did you tell your line manager that you would have to request a transfer or resign if the minister’s behaviour did not improve? Yes.

8 - Was it explained to you that a certain robustness and, more importantly, loyalty and discretion are indispensable for employment in the civil service and were you warned that advancement is impossible for a civil servant who gains notoriety as a trouble-maker? Yes.

9 - Did you hope to continue as a civil servant and to advance your civil service career in the longer term? Yes.

10 - Did your trade union support you during this difficult time? They were... kind.

11 - Did you at any time ask the advice of your trade union about bringing a case against your employer for constructive dismissal on grounds of grossly unacceptable behaviour by the minister? Yes.

12 - Did your trade union at any time mention the possibility that even to whisper such allegations publicly would result in your causing great distress to your family who would be hounded by the paparazzi day and night, week in and week out, and that you, personally, would be responsible for the disgrace of a brilliant minister, that you would cause the fall of the Labour government and a general election which the Conservative Party would win? But that of course the decisions were yours? Yes, they... mentioned all those things.

13 - Did your discussions with your trade union help you to make your decision whether or not to bring a case for constructive dismissal on grounds of the minister's persistently unacceptable behaviour? I... I... yes, they did help me to make my decision.

14 - Did you in fact bring a case against the Cabinet Office for constructive dismissal on grounds of the minister’s behaviour? No.

15 - Did you leave your job? Yes.

FX: gong

Miss Smith, the No-Brainer Laser Display Score-Board shows us that you have scored Zero points.

You are a loser, Miss Smith, and you know you are. Please stop crying and kindly leave the studio. An unmarked car is waiting to take you to some woods in Oxfordshire where the driver will hand you a small package containing everything you need to ease the government’s your distress.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, a bit of anti-climax there! But we look forward to a more exciting edition of No-Brainer next week so, until then, goodbye and take very great care of yourselves.

Music, credits...

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Continuity announcer:

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme, the Spencer Livermore Helpline can offer you small comfort.

If you would like to bring down the Labour government and help ensure that the people in Bunker Ten get what is coming to them, you may like to call the Maxwell Clifford Helpline. Their number is also on our website.

After the news, The Moral Maze.