Anyone here speak Liberal Democrat?

Got a job for you - over here.

I've only got six languages, plus Latin and Rubbish, none of which is any use. I thought the Rubbish might help but I was wrong.

Oh, well, not surprising coming from the party whose HQ issued a campaigning manual called Effective Opposition which

hypocritically advised the party's candidates to face in both directions at the same time. It urged them 'to secure support from voters who normally vote Tory by being effectively anti-Labour and similarly in a Tory area secure Labour votes by being anti-Tory'.

Yes, ladies and gents, this is a fine example of the integrity of the Liberal Democrat Party about which most voters know fuck all except that membership involves a nightly group-wank over something it calls 'fair votes', as in:

'Vote Liberal Democrat for fair votes. Vote for the party which refuses to tell you until after you have voted whether we will shore up Gordon Brown and the Labour government you were gagging to be rid of or David Cameron and his Conservative Party which as you know is a bunch of toffs led by toffs like me. Signed, Clegg.

No - wait. That's not right.

But vote for us anyway so that we can blackmail whoever most people voted for into introducing PR so that we can pull the same trick on you at every election thereafter. For ever. Or at least until we enforce total control of Britain by the keepers of the Clegg pension in Brussels. Vote LibDem for Fair Votes!

Whaddya mean, 'what trick?' Oh - it's all very simple. And Fair, obviously. How it works is, you throw away your democratic right to choose your own government - for ever - and you leave it all to us.

I shagged almost 30 birds, you know. Vote Shagger!

Noises off: 'Vote Huhne-no-I-am-not-Buff-Hoon-I'm the-other-one who's-not-even-as-important-as-Hoon! Vote Tosser!'

Where was I? Yes, hand power to the LibDems and you need never vote again! You are all fucking retards anyway for thinking we're anti-the bastards you hate when even we don't know what we believe but what the fuck as long as you stop laughing at us and we get to rule over you until the IMF and the EU take over because Cable really hasn't got a fucking clue but by the time you find out it won't matter because the voting system will keep me in red carpet and chauffeurs for ever and... pass me a tissue would you?... and ...

Nurse! Quick - the screens! Clegg thinks we're taking him seriously again.

And that Fraser Nelson is a very naughty boy for winding him up.