I'm waiting. Waiting for some clever bugger to long-range-fisk Vince Cable. It never happens. It never will. The reason is simple. No-one can be bothered. Vince is politically irrelevant. A funny turn. Nothing more. He can win all the applause from here to eternity but Vince will never have the power he believes he would wield more expertly than those promoted over his head.
The Good Doctor Cable is not a serious political contender, as he's well aware. He's simply good copy for TV editors, the cuddly and fluent TV face of the Liberal Democrats who have to be included for balance, or get a chance to pontificate solo when the big boys won't come out to play because they have work to do.
Vince is Shagger Clegg's wise old granddad, made more convincing by the white wisps on the bald bonce. The reassuring face of the nasty, dishonest, hypocritical, authoritarian (never was a party more inappropriately named) Liberal Democratic Party whose candidates are Tory when they want Tory votes, Labour when they want Labour votes, Monster Raving Loony when they want protest votes. Campaign slogan, 'Shape-shifting here!' 'Principles? I shit 'em. Except joining the Euro, obviously.'
Like every other LibDem spokesman who will never (thank God) be asked to accept the burdens of national government, Vince doesn't have to be right, which is just as well because he rarely is. He just tells us he was, over and over again, and we all know about repeating something often enough.
He doesn't even have to be consistent, because no-one, not even Paxo, bothers to tuck away what he just said in their memory banks. He can say whatever he likes next time he turns up.
Vince just has to turn up, look avuncular, and do his turn. You know, impersonate the sort of exemplary, reasonable politician that, he tells us, we want all politicians to be. You know - nice. Harmless. Moderate. Neutral. Comforting. Funny. Impotent. Throwing stones at power and at anyone likely to take power, just like we do when they're on the telly, the bastards. Hey - he's one of us! Good old Vince!
Until the polling booth, when even Vince groupies have to get real and elect a government. General elections are not the X Factor. These bastards can put your taxes up, close your hospital, lock you up and send your children into battle. Nice has nothing to do with it. Honest and competent is what's needed.
But Vince-politics are not Real Politics. Give Vince the occasional invitation to Desert Island Discs, maybe, or a bit of dancing on the telly, and he'll turn up and entertain the crowd. Possibly for free, although a small fee is always nice.
A sometime Labour councillor and adviser to St John Smith and ex-employee of Big Oil, the ever adaptable and very ambitious Vince has said he would happily serve as Chancellor (no, stop it - listen) in a Conservative government. That annoyed his party colleagues more than a little since their constituency is firmly on the left. More recently, he took his fantasies into the Treasury itself, only to have Sir Humphrey tick him off in public. His little dream is dead, so now it's no more Mr Nice Guy with the Tories.
Which brings us to last night and the Chancellors' debate. Vince threw in his lot with Badger in a whcckaTory effort which got a lot of ... laughs. Like this. No longer having the chance to join 'em, he decided to beat 'em - with his pointless but ever-popular tickling stick.
Being the expert LibDem shape-shifter he is, Cable offers few targets to his enemies. Oh yes, he has enemies. I do wish someone would fisk him senseless. One day, maybe, if anyone can screw up the courage to fillet the family puppy. There's never a Kelvin MacKenzie around when you want one, is there?
Still, the always wide-awake Iain Martin gave him a few smacks, today.
Cable claims, yet again to have predicted the crisis (when? show us the quotes).
Cable says (again!) that he warned about what would happen. Never challenged on this.
... the People's Vince. Darling and/or Osborne needs to take him on and challenge his claims.
Vince looks like he's running the programme! As though he's the host! Get stuck in, Krishnan.
... says he has a fully-costed plan for lower income tax (uh-huh) and he mentions his mansion tax (which should be known as the house tax)
Vince has a lame attempt at getting a "hang a banker" vibe going, attacks "pin-striped Scargills" holding the country to ransom.
The People's Vince says again that he warned on the banking crisis! Audience loves it - it is now an established truth that Vince was a seer. Never ever gets challenged. Bold move by Krishnan G-M would have been to catch VInce off balance and get stuck into his claims
Cable: Let's face it, I am brilliant [wild applause]. Labour are just rubbish and, I am saying this with a straight face, the Tories are in hock to rich men (unlike the Lib Dems who took £2m from a convicted fraudster now in jail and didn't give the money back). And, did I mention that I'm brilliant?UPDATE: Tom Bradby wonders how Vince gets away with it, too. Tsk. It's because no-one can be bothered, Tom. See above.
Tom Bradby always appears to me to be the fairest of the political editors on the major channels. Unlike of course 'toenails' Robinson or many of Sky's political reporters.
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