Open letter to CCHQ, FAO Messrs Cameron and Pickles

Hello? CCHQ? Anyone (apart from Gove) in there? Are all the Tory generals dead? Sleeping? Weeping? What? Hello? When are you going to come out and fight, for God’s sake? I increasingly feel like I’m alone out here with just a few bloggers for company. This campaigning backpack (which we have created, not you) is getting heavier every day. I have donated to marginal campaigns up and down the country. I am working in my constituency. I am blogging-for-victory and campaigning on political web forums daily. My head aches, my eyes and my fingers are bleeding. And where are you? Please. Stick it to Brown, Mandelson & co NOW, or it will be too late and you will snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. You are (not really) firing at an open goal left unmanned until recently by the worst, most damaging, most dishonest, most discredited government in modern history. Who may yet win the election.

If you allow yourselves to be outgunned by Brown, Mandelson, Campbell and Whelan, if you lose us this election, your reward, apart from the most unbelievable tonnage of weapons-grade shite which will fall upon your heads for inadvertently betraying your country into the hands of these incompetent, traitorous, lying, utter, utter bastards, will be to watch as Brown, salivating and gurning in victory, and Clegg, unscrupulous as ever and hardly able to believe his luck, immediately change electoral law to eliminate the Conservative Party from government FOR EVER.

Now I don’t know about you, Mr Cameron, Mr Pickles, but the prospect of a permanent Labour government simply terrifies me. And millions like me. This is not an election Britain can afford to lose to Labour and I mean that literally. A Labour win would mean catastrophe for the country: pain, poverty, riots... although the country is not sure about that. It is your job to make the country sure of that - before time runs out.

Recently, we had before us the prospect of ridding the country of the cancer that is Labour. Today, we are facing the possibility that you will have killed the Conservative Party instead. Unbelievable.

In such an event, you will deserve every bit of the jeering opprobrium to which the party, the press and the nation will subject you. 'Calm down,' did you say?

Yes, yes, I know the marginals look a lot better than the UNS. Yada yada yada. Richer-than-us Unite knows it, too. They are NOT asleep at the wheel. Please. Please. Mr Pickles, Mr Cameron. GET OUT OF YOUR BLOODY TRANQUILLITY ROOM, STRIP OFF AND FIGHT. FIGHT. BARE-KNUCKLED. Like us, out here, the poor bloody infantry. There will be blood. Unpleasant, but unavoidable. The alternative is far, far worse. Please. Please. No more Mister Nice Guy, huh?

• YOU HAVE THE AMMUNITION, SO SMACK DOWN MANDELSON'S BLACK OPS WITH A DOSE OF THE SAME - or has he already succeeded in decapitating the Conservative Party?

• TELL THE COUNTRY THE TRUTH ABOUT BROWN’S LABOUR - at least we'd know that you know what we know. You do know, right?

• TELL THE WHOLE COUNTRY EXACTLY, IN CONSERVATIVE TERMS, WHY WE NEED A CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT AND HOW THAT GOVERNMENT WILL WORK - I am making a few assumptions here...

I look forward to seeing you out here on the battlefield.

Thank you for your attention. If you reply, keep it, er, real. If you are thinking of sending back a package of computer-generated platitudes, keep it. Thank you very much. Right. Back to the fight. Regards, Prodicus