Janet and John learn about C-O-A-L-I-T-I-O-N-S

Much foaming at the mouth over at CH over what the consensus there deems 'Cameron's weak decision' on St Vincent of Cable.

Tosh.

Of course, the kiddiewinks currently doughnutting the temporary 'leader' (excuse me... wait... ah, that's better... *snork*) of the Labour Party and young I-forget-his-name himself will be shrieking with laughter and gleefully texting all their little hackery friends like mad.

Even one or two grown-up journalists think this is some sort of Christmas present for young fellah-me-lad.

Tosh.

Cameron is a pragmatist who sees the trees and the wood. He has an awful lot of very large fish to fry; quickly making sure that the Coalition's daft old uncle's not allowed to touch the controls any more but stopping short of publicly castrating the old troublemaker (as he deserves) is the pragmatic way through yet another of Cable's delusional episodes without getting everyone even more excited about what, outside the deluded one and some bored hacks, amounts to fuck all.

Given all the shite copy, you'd be forgiven for thinking anyone in the real world actually gave a fuck about Vince's opinions, or even listens when he drivels.

As for Cameron telling Cable to step away from one of the Big Buttons instead of making the old fart walk the plank... this time... sigh.

Let's start again at the top, shall we, children?

This government is a C-O-A-L-I-T-I-O-N. Now off you all go and hunt for the Big Book Of Difficult Words.

Ah, well done little Jimmy.

A COALITION, children, is where two Political Parties agree to hold hands in order to stop the Naughty Party from being In Charge.

Now what do we know about Political Parties, everyone?

Yes, that's right, Dor-Reene. They are big groups of grown-up (mostly) people who don't agree about Everything but who promise to be nice to each other because they do agree about Lots of Things and want to do those things to make things better for everyone.

No, Shirley-Valentine, they don't always know what they're talking about but we must be kind to them because they want to be good. Most of them. Most of the time. Well, some of them. Some of the time. No, not Vince. He is a Very Naughty Boy. But we'll come to that.

Well, children, sometimes two Political Parties decide to be a COALITION. This means that everyone in the two Political Parties promises to be on their very best behaviour all the time so that together they can do some Good Things which the other party - the Naughty Party - would stop them doing if it could. Yes, Wayne, exactly like the football team where you hate Colin but have to put up with him in order to win against Rotters United - very good! Would you like to present Newsnight?

And what does this mean all the people in the two Parties have to do? Anyone?

Yes, Obnoxio, exactly. It means they have to keep their fucking mouths shut and stay onside or they will rock the sodding boat and then we all fall out and we get the bastard socialists back and so we face the final fucking curtain. Yes, dear, quite right. Give your Daddy my regards would you?

Oh, sorry. No, don't write any of that down, children. Where was I? Ah, yes.

Now, if someone, let's call him Uncle Vince, breaks his promise and says rude things about people behind their backs and tells other people that he's in charge when in fact he's just an unbelievably lucky chancer whom some silly grown-ups took seriously when he told them he knew Everything but was actually only allowed to join in to shut him and his little group of friends up, what should the grown-ups who are REALLY in charge do about him?

No, Tracy, that would be very wrong indeed and I am shocked that you even know words like that. Yes, I know your Daddy is a member of the Revolutionary Workers Collective and got his face on the telly during the riots but still, let's have no more of that please.

So, Uncle Vince is a very silly old billy indeed but - oh, look! He has a lot of friends on his side of the COALITION and they would all burst into tears if Uncle Vince got the thorough kicking in the nads *cough* he so richly deserves, and no-one would get anything done so what on EARTH can the COALITION do?

Well, I am not at all surprised that nobody has their hand up for that one! Some of the cleverest people in the whole world have made complete arses ... this really is an awful cough, I must be going down with something... of themselves trying to think of the right answer. So I shall tell you.

He must have his toys taken away from him and be told to sit on the Naughty Seat and not touch anything and do exactly what he is told and if he does not, he will have to go home. There will be no more big toys, no more rides in nice cars, no more nice 'holidays' in faraway places, no more swanky parties and dressing up, no more pocket money, no more special treats. At all. Ever. And everyone will know he is unreliable and they will point at him in the street and laugh and call him a Silly Old Billy. Now he wouldn't like that, would he, children?!

But it would be very mean to just throw him out in the cold and make all his little friends cry, wouldn't it? That's enough of that, Obnoxio. I won't tell you again.

No, no. Much better to leave him in the on the Naughty Seat and keep a stern eye on him, and then his little friends can get on with doing all those Good Things they have to do, without having to stop to worry about poor Uncle Vince.

Right, next time, we will have a new book called Camping for Big Boys and Girls, and we will read the first chapter together. It's called On the Inside Pissing Out.

Ah, there's the bell for Break. Thank fuck for that.