Breaking: whiskery old story that everybody already knows

If you set today aside for clearing out your sock drawer, feel free to skip this item and carry on with what is obviously more important business.

Subs and headline writers on all newspapers were pissing themselves last night as they made up today's first editions. The BBC staff bar ran out of Glenlivet.

"A leading journalist lift his own gag on the press freedom for which he has fought all his life."

Having used the coercive force of the High Court against his colleagues, thereby preventing them from reporting stuff which he would have reported himself if it had been about someone else, the A-list hack said last night that, while his own sickening hypocrisy was obviously threatening his professional credibility and damaging his earning potential, this was a principled decision. He insisted that it had absolutely fuck all to do with current public fury at the behaviour of certain perverse and senile judges who smack their lips at their own power every time they threaten the citizenry with imprisonment just because they can, whenever a rich bastard such as Andrew Tosser asks them nicely.

Mr Tosser also denied that his action has anything whatever to do with the fact that incredulous jeering from 100 per cent of his media colleagues had reached such an intolerable level that he now has to buy his own drinks, nor with the dawning realisation that the dimensions of his marital and extramarital equipment have featured regularly in pub quizzes for the past eight years.

Mr Justice Eady is a fine upstanding gentleman. Andrew Tosser is a wanker. Ian Hislop is 94.