Now, voyager

We are where we are because in 2009 the allegedly ruthless (although actually too gentlemanly and not half ruthless enough) David Cameron momentarily took his eye off the objective and allowed the TV debates, trusting that the enemy were gentlemen like himself. It's the OE in him.

The result was a wildly distorted vote which everyone in politics now regrets. Well, except (most of) the senior LibDems currently enjoying their ministerial cars and pay cheques. And the hacks, obviously.

He made the same mind-blowingly complacent mistake at the start of the AV campaign but his senior officers spotted the iceberg and insisted he swerve to avoid it. Let's hope there isn't a third time. Down here on the passenger decks, we do not want to sleep with the fishes because Captain Dave, with a quick glance and nonchalant wave, mistakes pirates for weekend yachtsmen.

Keep an eye on your boss, Mr Osborne, will you? There are icebergs to the right of us and pirates to the left of us. The captain needs sharpening up. He's a good man and, once sharpened, usually makes sounds decisions, but he does need constant watching. That's the first officer's job.

Get us safely through this difficult voyage, please, and on arrival in port we'll need to discuss our next destination. How about an independent country outside Europe? Here's an idea - why not ask the passengers?