Brr.

So, global cooling then. The new threat. Seems the planet hasn't warmed since 1997.

Seems only fair to tell Huhne and Gore they can stand down, that they're not actually going to burn. Oh, wait... yes they are. Mwahahaha...

Well, I can dream, can't I?

Brr. Getting chilly. Turn the heating up, love.

What? Can't afford it because of the Huhne-Gore decarbonising bills?

Sod that. I'm cold and getting colder. Go on, turn the heating up. The price is going to drop sooner than you think. I mean, Huhne's on his bike any time now and it's only a couple more years till we have LibDem-free government and the return of government by grownups.

Whaddya mean, don't I know the world's running out of oil and gas and then there's Iran...?

Tsk. Do keep up. There's billions of tons of this shale gas stuff. Everywhere. Even here. More than enough for a couple of hundred years.

Not allowed? Says who? The global warming people?

Just a minute... I'll be right back.

[Noises off: a short burst of violent destruction of metallic objects and screams of FRAAAAACK!]

Back. That's better.

So, lemme get this straight. The warble gloaming crowd who told me to turn the heating down (1) because it's heating up the entire planet... frack me, and I thought this Huhne of a bill was only for heating one house, but no, I'm heating the whole planet - that explains it... these same comedians now say it's (2) because it's getting colder so we face vastly increased demand and therefore a critical shortage of the fuels which caused global warming and never mind that they were 1) wrong about that and 2) lying in order to get their filthy hands on my tax-money and never mind that i) nothing they threatened has actually happened and now ii) it's bleeding obvious that it's not going to and although their new diagnosis is the exact reverse of their original diagnosis they're prescribing the exactly same medicine which comes in a sustainably-designed ecobottle marked

FUCK YOU. DRINK THIS.
Obey The orders
Of The World Domination League
Or We Are All Going To Die.

To which the response in the rubric is: Right-oh, mate. When is Nurse coming to take you back to your wigwam?

I say, here's an idea. Let's round up the World Fucking Domination League and hang them all. Then we'll set fire to them. Let's have an eco-pyre so fuck-off enormous that you'll be able to see it from space, big enough to warm the whole planet until we get this shale thingy going.